Catch My Breath
by Miss-HL
Summary: What happens when Castle and Beckett run into each other eleven months after he walked away from her and the precinct.  Can she ever forgive him? Castle fluff will eventually happen so that's why the higher rating
1. Chapter 1

Discalimer: Don't own Castle.

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><p>Chapter One.<p>

Kate checked into the hotel a little after noon. She was exhausted from the past week and went straight up to her room. She didn't even want to be here, but she knew after Gates kicked her out of the precinct and ordered her to take two weeks off, she had to get out of New York. She had to go far away enough that she couldn't go back.

Well, not for two weeks that is.

She dropped her bag on the floor, barely looking around her room. She didn't care what it looked like, she was only interested in the bed.

It was getting later by the time she woke from her nap, she pulled herself from her bed and grabbed her bag. She couldn't even remember packing, it had been in a haze of anger and disappointment. Esposito had waited outside her apartment, silently waiting for her to get a bag together. The entire trip to the airport was silent. Kate had been holding back the tears the entire way, not wanting to cry in front of her colleague and friend. She was happy that Lanie had waited behind at the precinct, she couldn't deal with that. That would have been too hard.

It was hard enough walking out of the precinct. Lanie was sitting in Ryan's chair, trying to put on a brave face. Gates stood with her hand on her hip, looking over her glasses at her. Kate couldn't decide if it was a look of support or of rage. Ryan walked back in from the break room, his eyes red as he squeezed Lanie's shoulder.

They pulled up to departures and Esposito was out, opening her door before she even had time to realize where she was.

"Call me before you leave and I'll come get you." He smiled, putting her bag over her shoulder.

Kate nodded, looking towards the ground.

He pulled her into a hug, neither of them saying anything.

She unclipped her holster and handed it to Esposito along with her badge. Gates hadn't asked her for it but at this point, she didn't want it on her. She needed to separate herself from it all.

Esposito gripped onto her badge, not saying anything but understood why she had to do it.

"Say bye to Lanie and Ryan for me ok, I know she wanted to come but you know." Kate said quietly as Esposito nodded.

"Will do, Have fun out there Beckett. Make sure you have a few drinks for me."

That made Kate smile, it was like he was making it her idea to go away for a few weeks.

But it wasn't. She was forced into it.

-x-

The hotel she was staying in was gorgeous, walking through the lobby to outside was truly breathtaking. The yachts in the ocean, the calmness of the weather, people walking past her happily talking and holding hands. She let out a sigh, it wasn't that bad.

She had changed into a big white tee and short black shorts. Leaving her work shoes in her room, she decided on the sandals that she had managed to throw into her bag. She undid the braid she had done for work and let her hair down.

The sun was setting over the ocean as she stood by the edge of the water. Everything was so real, the smell of the ocean and the taste of the salt already on her lips.

"Kate." She heard someone say and she turned.

Someone was walking towards her. His light blue dress shirt with the buttons open, washed jeans and a dinner jacket. The usual.

He looked exactly the same, nothing about him was different.

The sight of him made her feel nauseous, every part of her body wanted her to make a run for it.

He left a foot of space between them, not coming any closer to her but he was close enough. He was far too close.

She turned back to watch the yachts, pretending like he wasn't even there. Pretending like he hadn't just managed to walk into her life after being away for so long?

Eleven Months he had been gone.

She couldn't even remember how the day had gone when he left. Since he walked out of the precinct one day and never walked back through that elevator again. She remembered waiting for him to come back, watching his chair in his absence and waiting for his call.

The call that never came.

His chair was taken away at one point, one day she got to work and it was gone. She knew that Ryan and Esposito had done it, but nothing was ever spoken about it.

He was never spoken of.

She could barely breathe, she didn't want to. She could smell his cologne, the one he always wore. It was suffocating her, clouding her anger towards him.

"Kate, please turn around." He spoke again, his voice pleading with her.

"Why?" She said quietly, not doing what he asked.

"Because here I am in San Francisco and I see this woman walk through the lobby. This woman that I immediately recognize, I recognize everything about her; her hair, the way her hips sway and her smell. I couldn't believe it was you Kate, please turn around." His voice was somber with a hint of regret.

But she refused, instead walking across the side of the water. Her arms tightly crossed, head to the ground.

"Kate, please don't walk away." He asked her but she didn't budge.

"You taught me how." She answered simply, loud enough for him to hear but not loud enough that she had to put effort into it.

She kept walking, not looking back once.

-x-

When she walked into her room, everything was spinning. Tears streaming down her face as she slid down the closed door. This was not what she needed this week. Her heart pounding in her chest as she choked back her tears. She closed her eyes, tried to breathe, tried to forget what had just happened, what she had just seen, who she had just seen. Finally catching her breath she stood, pulling off her shorts and her shirt and climbing back into her unmade bed.

She had no idea what the time was, she couldn't see a clock and had no idea where her phone was. She had heard it go off a few times but she ignored it.

She didn't want to talk to anyone.

Just before finally falling asleep she could hear the bells ringing down at the harbor. An early morning ship was arriving into the nearby harbor.

His voice was clouding her dreams, her thoughts interrupted by the sight of him walking towards her. The way the wind blew against his hair, that look in his eyes like he had seen a ghost, the sadness on his face when she turned from him.

She woke with a startle, was it all a dream?

The feeling in the pit of her stomach was aching, her eyes red and her head pounding from the crying, the feeling of regret and hurt screaming through her body.

No, it wasn't a dream.

He had made her feel this way before, made her cry and hurt when he left her. When he up and let one day, never to be seen again. Never calling or trying to contact her.

If it wasn't for his face all over page six then she wouldn't have a clue at what he was up to. Ryan and Esposito did the best they could at hiding all the papers at the precinct but one day they weren't fast enough. He was smiling, arm around a woman. A model. A gorgeous model. They were at a movie premiere. The article talked about his move to Los Angeles, his new book series and the new start he was making.

He had a black tux on, his hair pushed to one side. He looked good.

Kate had slammed the paper on the desk, grabbing her coat before walking out of the precinct. Esposito and Ryan had watched the entire thing happen, both of them hating themselves for not being fast enough.

She was angry and pissed off the entire way to the morgue, but as soon as she opened the door and she saw Lanie, she broke down. Lanie was swearing that she was going to kill him herself, that he wasn't worth her time anymore. That she was better than him and it would get easier.

Kate believed her for a month or so, decided to get over it. The chair was gone the next week or so, Lanie would have told Esposito about what happened at the morgue.

She saw his cutout at a bookstore the next month, holding his new book. It was a series about a rogue CIA agent trying to find the people that killed his Father. She had wanted to read it but as soon she got the book home she felt sick. She didn't even open the first page, instead she tossed it in the box in her spare closet with all his other books.

It nearly killed her when she saw the corner of Heat Wave. Everything came flooding back, surrounding herself with these memories that she had tried so hard to forget.

Now what was she supposed to do? He was here, they were both in the same hotel, they were on the same coast for the first time in months.

She pulled the covers over her head, tightly squeezing her eyes closed and trying to push it all away.

But she couldn't, she would have to face it.

Richard Castle had a tendency to walk into her life when she didn't want him to.

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><p><strong>This is just an idea that I've been thinking over for awhile now, decided to put it out here for you all to read. Tell me what you think, will most most likely be a multi chapter story if you all like it.<strong>

**Have a great day.**

**H**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So for this story, I'm going to have to change the time line a bit form what happens in Season Four. Basically Beckett went back to the precinct after being shot, worked a few cases and then Castle left. Josh is apparently still in the picture according to Castle. Thought I'd tell you now so you aren't confused.

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><p>Chapter Two<p>

Kate's body ached as she woke, she had slept in the same position all night. Or all morning, depending on the way you look at it.

She pulled her bag onto the bed, fishing for her cellphone.

Two missed calls from Lanie, one from her father, a message from Ryan and a message from an unknown number.

A number she recognized straight away.

It was his number.

_I know you're mad, I understand but please hear me out. Please just listen to what I have to say to you, I promise you that you can walk away after and I wont fight it. Please, Kate._

Her hand gripped the cellphone and then she let it drop off the side of the bed, sliding under the bed. She just couldn't deal with him right now, couldn't deal with what happened at the precinct last week, couldn't deal with it all.

Lanie told her that she needed to sort through her issues, figure it out before it bottled up and blew up in her face.

She clearly hadn't listened to her friend and now it had blown.

-x-

She went out the side door of the hotel, walking quickly with her head down.

Her hair was tied up in a bun onto of her head, large sunglasses covered most of her face. She wore denim shorts and a old NYPD tee, she tried to find something else, something less her so that hopefully he wouldn't recognize her but in her haze of packing, she'd only thrown in one casual shirt.

And it had her profession all over it.

Maybe people would think it was one of those touristy ones the people buy when they visit the city.

It was another amazing day, the sun was belting out the heat as she found her footing on the sand covered grass. She didn't know where she was going, she could take a trip into the city but it was already midday, she would save that for another day.

She did have two weeks here, she might as well put it off as long as she could.

When she pulled out her ear plugs and plugged in her iPod, she felt so much better. Drowning out the world as the music played, it was relaxing and energetic all at the same time. She walked a few miles, along the shore. Away from the groups of families at the beach for a family day out, away from the teenagers having a picnic, away from everyone.

She found a bench secluded from the rest of the beach, away from it all. She sat, pulling her knees up to her chest and hugging them tightly. She rested her head down, closing her eyes and taking a huge breath in.

If felt like hours had passed when she felt someone sit down, she knew who it was straight away. She could feel him before he had even sat down, smell him before he knew it was her.

He reached to her and gently tugged out the earbud from her iPod. She refused to look up, instead turning her head away from him slightly.

"Kate, will you please look at me." Castle spoke softly.

She knew it was going to happen, that he would find her and want to talk to her. He would message and call her to persuade her to hear him out. He would win too, she could give into him because he was Castle and she missed him and she wanted him back but it couldn't work.

He had walked out.

She let her legs drop and went to stand but his hand found her wrist and he held on tight. It wasn't hurting her, if she had pulled away then he would have let her go.

"Let me go, Rick." She said, looking up to the ocean.

"Hear me out." He begged, standing from the bench.

"Why? So you can walk away and not feel bad this time?" She said harshly, tugging her arm away from his grip and started to walk off.

She was angry, it was finally all going to come out. What she had wanted to tell him for so long now.

"You think I wanted this? You think I wanted to walk away from you? Away from everyone at the 12th? I didn't, you should know me enough to know that decision almost killed me." His voice was loud, deafening to Kate as she kept walking.

"Kate!" He yelled and it got her attention, she spun around to face him.

"What?" She yelled back, pulling her sunglasses off.

Their eyes locking for the first time in eleven months.

"Just for a second can you please think what it was like for me to leave you," he paused, "all behind. Esposito, Ryan, Lanie. All of them I just left, was there one day and gone the next because that's the only way it made sense to me, I couldn't tell you I was leaving. I couldn't look into your eyes and tell you I was going away because it killed me to do it."

He took a step closer, his voice was ragged and drained as he spoke.

"But after you got shot, after you came back to the precinct, it was different. I tried to make it the same, to make it the usual Beckett and Castle but it wasn't. There was this cloud over the two of us and it wouldn't go away. I was so scared that I was going to slip up and make a mistake or not notice something and you were going to slip through the cracks. Every night you'd go home and I would sit there for an hour wondering if you had got back to your apartment safely. I considered walking home after you, I couldn't let the fact that someone was after you go. It was all my fault, I dragged up your mother's case and I poked and prodded until it lead us to the third cop, till we knew it was Montgomery and till him and Lockwood were dead. Then you got shot and everything fell apart, I couldn't deal with it. What if I had lost you? What if you didn't make it?"

He took a breath, shaking his head at her.

"Gates kicked me to the curb everyday, hated the fact that I was there. So one day when Gina rung and told me that they wanted me for a four month book tour and I just accepted, I said yes straight away. She was more shocked than I was that I would walk away from the 12th. Then I left, I left you and everyone behind because I thought you'd be better off without me. That I had done enough damage to last you the rest of you life Kate, I messed it all up."

"Four month book tour?" She questioned, disregarding everything else he had said.

She was big on the details.

"All over the States and Canada, then I came back and Alexis, mother and I went to the Hamptons for a month, we came back and packed up Alexis to come to Stanford for the Summer program so she could apply again and have a better chance of getting in. I never left California, I never went back to the city."

"Why?" She asked, hating that he was breaking her down.

"Because I knew that I would walk back into the 12th and want you back, want that life back but I couldn't. I'd call Esposito every month to ask how you were doing, he hated me but he did it because he knew why I left. After a month he told me you were doing well, that you were smiling again and I knew I couldn't go back. I thought that you'd be ok, that you were happy again, that maybe you and Josh would make it, that maybe one day I would see an engagement notice in the paper and know you were happy."

He looked at the ground after mentioning Josh's name and when he spoke about Kate being engaged to someone else.

She stood in silence, biting her bottom lip so she could keep it steady.

"I think about you every single day, I think about all those things we did. All those cases we solved, when we got stuck in the freezer and when we defused the bomb and it feels like a different life, I feel like i'm watching someone else's memories because surely they can't be mine. What did I do to deserve you? Why did you walk into my life that night at the book launch? I've asked the universe it a million times but I got an answer until I realized myself, just like you being here when I am, something wants us together. I know how it sounds, I know it sounds so silly." He half smiled, looking up at her with wonder filled eyes.

"You walked away." She said quietly, putting her wall back up, brick by brick that he had just managed to bring down.

"I'm going to spend the rest of my life hating myself for that but I can't regret it, Kate, I needed to be away from you for you to be ok. I needed you to smile and to love your life again, to not be pulled down that rabbit hole every time something came up about your mother's case. Me leaving you was what you needed."

"I needed you, I needed you to tell me that it was going to be ok, that we would fight it but you just walked away." She almost yelled, tears finally spilling down her cheeks, the emotion finally becoming too much.

This time Castle stood in silence.

"You were there everyday for me, everyday you'd bring coffee and you'd smile at me. We'd chase down the bad guys and stand a little too close to each other in the elevator on the way home. You'd crack jokes to make me laugh when I was having an awful day, I'd roll my eyes and you'd still laugh. I never thanked you for being there, I never appreciated it fully until it was gone, until you were gone. One day you just didn't show up. Ryan came in the next week saying that he had been to the loft and Martha said you'd left on tour. Imagine Ryan telling me that, standing next to my desk and telling me that my partner had left my side for good."

She wiped away her tears, trying to stand her ground.

"You don't think Rick, you think that leaving me was the best thing you could do for me? Well, it wasn't, it was the worst. You were one of the constants in my life, one of the reasons I walked out that hospital and then you were gone."

"I'm sorry." he said finally, taking another step towards her.

"What do you want from me Rick?" She asked, finally breaking down her anger, letting her softer voice come out.

"I just want you." He simply said, shrugging his shoulders.

It felt like a million minutes had passed when she finally broke free from his eyes on her.

"I can't give you that." She answered.

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><p><strong>Thanks to everyone who has reviewedput on story alert/etc.**

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter.**

**p.s Kate and Josh aren't engaged or even together, Castle just doesn't know because he left and she didn't get the chance to tell him.**

**Hannah **


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three.

"Kate, please don't go." He said, watching her walk away from him.

She put her headphones back in and continued to walk. She couldn't stay there any longer, couldn't face him any longer because if she did then she knew deep down that she would forgive him and she wasn't ready for that.

She was still mad at him.

Still hurt by what he had done.

Still in love with him.

-x-

"Detective Beckett?" She heard and Kate looked over her shoulder.

Alexis Castle stood eyeing up the detective looking nervous and worried.

"Alexis." Kate smiled, turning to face the girl.

"Dad came back and had this look on his face, he was sad and wouldn't tell us what happened but I knew it was about you." Alexis said, looking around the room, eyeing up the exit.

"I didn't plan it, I'm here on-"

"I know. You two bumping into each other is probably the last thing you both expected."

Kate nodded, she was right.

"But can I ask what happened? Why is my dad currently downing scotch like water and listening to really, really bad music."

Kate half smiled, he was so dramatic sometimes.

"Walk?" Kate pointed outside and Alexis nodded.

-x-

It was ten minutes before either of them spoke.

"I'm sorry if you don't want to tell me about it." Alexis said softly, looking over to Kate.

"I don't know what there is to tell. I don't know what your dad told you and what I'm allowed to say Alexis, it was so long ago."

"Eleven months." Alexis answered.

Apparently it wasn't just Kate counting the days.

"Yeah, eleven months."

"Do you know how I know?" Alexis asked, stopping and making Kate turn to her.

Kate nodded, knowing this wasn't going to be good.

"Because it's been eleven months since I truly saw dad happy, he's completely lost it. He threw himself into the book tour, the new book and getting me settled in college but there was something always missing."

"Alexis, he walked away. It was his decision."

"Because he had to save you."

Kate's mouth fell open in shock.

"When you got shot, that exact moment changed everything in your life and everything in his. He had to rethink running around with you, I begged him to stop, to walk away from it all. He's not a cop and you can't protect him all of the time. He can't protect you either; he blamed himself for Captain Montgomery and for you getting shot. I know everyone told him it was stupid but he can't see past it. He put you in the line of fire and that's stuck in his brain."

Alexis ran a hand through her hair, shaking her head.

"I know he walked away, I know it hurt you and everyone at the 12th but he couldn't trust himself. He knew he'd only last a week before he walked back into the station, he'd call or message you, stand outside your door wanting to apologise and get it back to normal, get you back. He had to move away, find something else in his life that he could emerge himself in. I came back to the hotel in Los Angeles one day and there was cover art for a book I'd never heard of before, his own daughter not even knowing what he was up to. I asked him what was going to happen with Nikki and Rook and he winced at me bringing up their names, he told me that their story was unfinished. That maybe one day when it didn't hurt so bad that he would write them a happy ending but it couldn't be now."

Alexis let out a breath, this was worse than she thought.

"I love him so much, he's my dad but this last year it's been a blur of moments that I feel like he isn't fully invested in. I'm not saying it's his fault or yours for that matter but I hate leaving him, when I'm having a good time at college I wonder about what he is doing and if he is happy. I know that because he left you may never forgive him but please, please just talk to him."

Kate stood silently relaying everything Alexis had just said to her.

"Alexis, I know that you're trying to help but-"

"I'm not a kid anymore Kate, I'm at college, I have a boyfriend, I live in a flat and I pay my own power bill. Well dad pays the bill but you get what I mean. I'm not that shy fifteen-year old anymore, I'm an adult and it might sound weird asking on my dad's behalf but I can't just sit back and watch him do this anymore. Especially not when you're here, completely out of the blue you walked back into his life. You should have seen his face when you walked down those stairs, he almost leapt over the table to you." Alexis smiled with hope filling her eyes.

"It's good of you to do this for him." Kate said, looking out towards the ocean, trying to stall her answer.

"Do you love him?" Alexis asked, staring right at Kate.

"I think I did." Kate shrugged, no point lying about it now.

She lied to herself for three years and then she got shot. Then he told her that he loved her before she died in his arms.

He left before she could tell him she loved him back.

"And you could never love him again?" Alexis asked, the hope draining from her eyes.

"He left." Kate said, not believing that she was telling Alexis all of this.

"He did but if it's any consolation, it's probably the biggest thing he regrets in his life."

Kate looked at Alexis, wondering if Alexis could see right through her.

"I have to go, dad will be wondering where I am and he wouldn't be happy if I told him that I'd tried to convince you that you should talk to him. He pretends like it's fine but it's never been the same. He wont ever be the same after you, you changed him." Alexis held Kate's upper arm and squeezed gently.

"It was good to see you Kate, really good." Alexis smiled and walked off before Kate could reply to her.

She felt like a teenager again being told what's what by an adult. Alexis was more of an adult right now than what she was.

She stood there for a moment, completely shocked by what had just happened.

-x-

She walked down to the local pub for dinner knowing Castle wouldn't be there.

She couldn't see him after what Alexis had said to her.

As she walked back to the hotel she saw a familiar body shape sitting on the beach. She knew it was him, the sun was setting and the outline was perfectly him.

She could feel her feet walking towards him, everything in her mind telling her not to do this.

Screaming at her to not do this.

Not to give into him.

"Hey." She said quietly, standing a few feet behind where he was sitting.

He turned his head, eyes blank and lost.

"Kate." He breathed, almost getting up but Kate shook her head.

She sat next to him, a foot away and stared towards the ocean.

"Thought you would have changed hotels by now." He said, his voice sad.

She shook her head, "If I did that then I wouldn't have run into Alexis today."

He turned to her, eyes wide with wonder.

"Well she ran into me, on purpose." Kate smiled, looking back to the ocean.

"What did she say?"

"That I should forgive you for leaving, that it was for my own good."

"Kate, I didn't ask her to do that. Please believe me."

"I do. I do believe you."

"Do you believe her?" He asked, wiping the sand from his jeans.

"When did she grow up? She just completely turned into an adult. I always knew she was responsible and mature but seriously?"

Castle laughed, nodding his head.

"She let me have it this morning as well so don't feel so bad." He said, shrugging his shoulders.

"What did you do wrong?" Kate asked, looking down the beach, away from his eyes.

"Left you." He said quietly and Kate finally looked to him.

"Rick-"

"No, it's true. She had the right to tell me off, especially after what you said."

They sat in silence for a moment, both contemplating what was going to be said next, both wanting to turn to the other person and smile but neither did.

"She went back to Stanford this afternoon, I'm leaving tonight." Castle said quietly, letting his head fall.

"Leaving to go where?"

"Back to Los Angeles, I have a meeting with the publishers tomorrow."

"Do you think you'll ever go back to New York?" Kate asked, a tiny slither of hope in her voice.

"When Esposito and Ryan take the target off my back, maybe."

"I'd be more worried about Lanie." Kate looked at Castle and raised her eyebrows.

"I don't even think I'm far away enough from her in Los Angeles. When I rung Javier once she answered and I was so scared. She yelled bloody murder at me. I'm not even kidding, I checked every lock and window that night."

"She never told me that she talked to you." Kate said, already understanding why her friend never told her. She would have been pissed off if she found out Castle had been keeping tabs on her.

"Probably didn't want you to get you any angrier at me that you already were."

He was always in her head.

She nodded, pulling her feet up and hugging her legs.

"You hair got really long." He said, watching it in the wind.

She had let it grow after she got shot. It was longer than it had ever been. She barely wore it down now, always in a bun at work.

Not here, now it was flying in the wind.

"Yeah, I let it grow."

"It looks good. You look good."

Kate smiled at him, taking a breath in and watching him.

"I would like to commend whoever made you take a vacation though. I'd like to shake their hand."

"I got made to leave, kicked off a case." Apparently she was telling him this story.

Rick looked at her, eyes wide with a million questions on his mind.

"What happened?"

Why was she letting him in? She needed to get up, get off this damned beach and walk away. This would only hurt her more.

"It was a typical open and close case, well we thought it was. Murder gone wrong but we linked it to a dozen other murders in the city alone so we got on the trail of this guy that picked up woman from a certain part of town in a fake cab. He'd drug them and take them to his apartment and torture them until they would die."

Kate paused, shaking her head at the memory that was only a few days old.

"We cased out the place where he picked up the woman. Then out of the blue he turns up in his taxi and I just got in it."

"Kate, you didn't." Rick couldn't believe what she was saying. That she could be so stupid.

"We didn't have any concrete evidence it was him and I knew they would track my cell phone so I just did it. I could see Esposito on the curb yelling at me to get out."

"And?"

"I passed out in the cab, he's sealed off the back and put some poisonous gas through the air vents. I woke up strapped to this table in the middle of an office building in Queens. He'd turned my phone off and realised he was in trouble when he found my gun and badge."

"Kate, seriously." He was shaking his head at her.

"Then all I remember is Ryan pulling me from the table, yelling at me that I was in so much trouble and if I ever pulled another stunt like that again then he'd kill me himself. Esposito was firing at the guy, there was smoke everywhere and something was on fire. Turns out he was going to set the building on fire but Esposito and Ryan got there just in time."

"How long had you been there?"

"A day and a half. Ryan and Espo didn't sleep a wink, spent every second looking for me."

"I bet you got a stern telling off from Gates." Castle shuddered.

"I think Ryan refusing to talk to me and Esposito continuously watching me for the next day was worse."

"What happened then?"

"I got called into Gates' office and told me to pack a bag and leave for two weeks. That I had to get out of the city because it was killing me. That for the safety of my team and I, I had to leave."

"That makes me hate myself a little more." Castle sighed.

"What? That I can get myself into life threatening situations without your help?" She smiled at him, making him believe that she was ok.

"That you still get into them without me."

"Some of them may have been your idea Castle, but I went along with every one of them. None of them were your fault."

Especially the shooting.

"What happened when you left?"

"Ryan stood with Lanie in the bull pen, both of them feeling sorry for me but at the same time they knew it was coming. Breaking point. Esposito drove me to the airport."

"Have you heard from them?" Castle asked.

"I'm pretty sure Lanie rung but I left my phone somewhere in my room." Beckett shrugged.

Castle was silent, she could hear him breathing. He was tense and angry at himself, probably a little bit at her now too.

"I should get back to my room." Kate said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, I have to pack." He said looking to Kate wishing she would just stay next to him for a bit longer.

"See you around, Castle." Kate said, getting up and shaking the sand off her jeans.

"It was amazing to see you, Kate." He didn't say anything else, just watched her nod and walk away.

If him leaving caused her as much pain as it just caused him to watch her walk away then he'd hate himself forever.

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><p><strong>Hey everyone,<strong>

**sorry this has taken so long to get out to you all. I've been really busy and have way too many stories on here to try and keep updated. **

**Hope you enjoy this chapter and don't fret, it's not the end for our favorite duo.**

**Have an awesome week.**

**Hannah**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: As usual.

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><p>Chapter Four<p>

She sat in her room and watched the storm roll in. The wind had picked up from when she was sitting on the beach with Castle and the grey clouds were starting to blacken.

Her phone buzzing on the wooden floor brought her out of her daze.

There were missed calls and messages she hadn't bothered to check but this was a call she couldn't ignore any longer.

"Hey." Beckett spoke into the phone quietly.

"Kate, it's so good to hear from you." Lanie sounded relieved.

"I'm sorry." Beckett said, already choking on the emotion that she knew was coming.

"Hey, come on don't cry." Lanie said in her comforting tone.

"I messed it all up. I put everyone in danger and I'm sorry."

"It's over, you are safe. Javi and Kevin are safe. You needed this break, you need to think about some things."

Beckett was silent, trying to control her emotions before she told Lanie the latest.

"Kate?"

"Castle is here." She said quietly.

"What?" Lanie almost yelled.

"I was down on the beach yesterday and out of the blue, he just showed up. Please tell me you weren't involved in this."

"Kate, I wouldn't do that. I'm guessing that he told you he has spoken to Javier a few times and me one time."

"He did."

"We didn't do it to go around your back so we could talk about you. I was angry, Javi was angry, but we saw where Castle was coming from. We understood, in a way why he left. He knew that we would keep you safe, but in the end we couldn't even do it. You still put yourself in a situation where we couldn't help you, Kate. There is a million things going on in your head and you keep pushing them away so you don't have to deal with it but it's never going to end well."

Becket let the tears fall, she needed it.

"I know."

"Montgomery, getting shot and Castle leaving knocked you bad, this case was the last straw. I love you, but you seriously need to have a break and sort some stuff out before we can't be there to save you anymore."

"Lanie, I'm so sorry."

She could tear Lanie breathing and her voice changed.

"It's ok, I know what's been happening with you so I can forgive you for this one. How is Writer Boy?" Lanie laughed, changing the conversation.

That's how they worked. Lanie would tell Beckett what she did wrong, what she needed to change and then it would be a completely different conversation. She never held a grudge or made the situation drag out.

She let Beckett off with a lot, more than she should but she couldn't be another person in her life that left or hurt her.

"He seems alright, I don't know. He looked different, sad I guess."

"Kate, he's been missing you so of course he looks sad. I hope you talked to him."

Was Lanie already back to trying to get them together.

"We talked for a bit, but not for that long. I didn't know what to say and I was so angry at him and then Alexis comes up and tells me that I should talk to him and it felt like I was back at high school and had a crush on Rhys Jackson again."

Lanie was laughing which made Beckett smile.

"Well maybe you should talk to him and sort some things out."

"He leaves tonight." Beckett sighed.

"Well he still has the same number." Lanie laughed again, pushing this further than she ever did when they were both in New York.

"Lanie, come on." Beckett said, wishing she would drop it.

She knew she wouldn't.

There was a loud crack and Beckett looked up, heart racing and hand already going for where her gun usually was.

"What was that?" Lanie asked, voice heightened and full of worry.

"I have no idea, there is a storm coming in." Beckett said, standing and walking closer to the window.

It had darkened and the ocean looked frantic.

"I saw that on the news."

Another loud crack and the lights went off.

"Just lost power." Beckett said, pulling on her jacket.

"Not much of a holiday." Lanie scoffed.

"I'm going downstairs to see if they need any help, I'll message you later."

-x-

When she descended the stairs she saw Castle leaning against the reception desk.

"Castle?" She said, taking a few steps closer to him.

"Kate, hi." He stood up, facing her.

"I thought you were leaving?" She asked, checking her watch.

"I was, but the airport is closed and I can't find a rental car company that's open."

She nodded, looking over to reception. People were crowding and they we handing out candles and extra blankets.

"Storm blew the power out?" She asked.

"The lady at reception said that a truck overturned because of the storm and crashed into a power pole or something." He shrugged, watching her.

"Mr. Castle?" The lady walked back to face Castle.

"Yes." He smiled.

"We have some bad news. There are no rooms available and because of the crash, they've closed the road. I'm afraid you'll have to sit tight until the power comes back on and we'll see if we can get you a reservation at the nearest hotel."

Castle groaned, hitting his head against the desk and the lady offered her nicest smile.

"Do you need a candle?"

Beckett looked from Castle to the lady and held her hand out, accepting a candle and lighter.

"Castle?" Beckett spoke, waiting for him to turn and face her.

He lifted his head, turning to face her.

"Yeah?"

"You can come and wait with me if you want?" As the words flew out of her mouth, she could barely believe them herself.

"I don't want to intrude, Kate. It's fine; I'll just wait in the foyer until the power comes back on. Thank you though."

"Come on, Castle. It's not a big deal." She smiled, trying to convince him just as much as she was trying to convince herself.

"I don't want to ruin this, you haven't shot me yet and I thought I was doing so well. I was going to ring you in a few weeks and hope you picked up." His voice was hopeful and apologetic.

The lady at reception eyed them both curiously before turning back to deal with another disgruntled customer.

"Then don't do anything to ruin it then." She walked back to the stairs, taking two at a time and turned around to see him watching her.

"You coming, Castle?" She smiled.

He threw his bag over his shoulder and followed her.

-x-

"Nice room." Castle said, letting his bag fall to the ground.

"It's not bad." Beckett shrugged, pulling on her sweatshirt and standing at the window.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to do this, I can wait in the lobby."

Beckett turned from the window to face Castle. He hadn't moved since he dropped his bag and the apprehensive look on his face gave away every emotion he was feeling.

"I talked to Lanie just before the power went out, she explained a few things to me and made me realise some stuff. I need to grow up and stop thinking everyone is out to hurt me, I've blamed people for things that they didn't even do-"

"Kate-"

"No, let me finish. I needed to blame you for leaving because I couldn't face the fact that it was my fault. You were living a perfectly normal life before you came to the 12th and I screwed it all up. I know that you looked into the case without me knowing but I should have ended what we had right there, I should have made you leave but I couldn't because I liked you there and you made me smile. I was completely selfish and every time something new happened in my mother's case, it was like warning bells for me. I should have never let you get involved but I got so obsessed with finding out who did it that I couldn't see what I would be taking you away from. You have a family, Rick. What we did, what I did, could have taken you away from them and then Alexis would have been left without a parent, just like me." She sat on the corner of the bed, running her hand over her forehead.

Castle stood stuck to the same spot, mouth slightly open in shock of her words.

"I thought you wouldn't give up on me but you did and now, I understand why." She half smiled up to him, hoping he could see her apology.

"I never gave up on you and I never will." He finally moved, taking steps closer to her before kneeling down in front of her.

"This isn't your fault, we were as bad as each other. I did have a normal life before you came along and I hated it. You gave me a sense of belonging, responsibility and the need to make a difference. We both fell down the rabbit hole together and we got so wound up in hunting the truth that we didn't see what was right in front of us. You don't need to find the person who did it to make your mother proud, she already is. Every time you go and let a family know that you found the person who killed their loved one, she is proud."

Beckett looked down to him and sighed.

"Kate, you deserve to be happy." He took her hands in his and squeezed gently.

She nodded slowly and squeezed back just before another loud crack of lightening hit the ocean.

Castle flew back in shock, toppling over and Beckett laughed.

"Not funny." He sat back up, rubbing the back of his head.

Beckett pulled in pillows from the bed and threw them to the ground before pulling open the top drawer.

"Cards?" She asked, holding up a packet of playing cards.

Castle nodded, leaning against the bed frame.

-x-

They had played round after round of poker. Beckett had cleaned up, her pile of milk duds certainly bet Castle's.

Although she had caught him eating his on several occasions.

They talked about Alexis and the 12th, about missing New York and how weird the weather in Los Angeles was, he asked about her father and she told him the latest on what he was trying to fix.

They laughed like before the fighting and it felt like it used to be.

"What's the time?" Castle asked, popping his last milk dud into his mouth.

"A little after two." She replied.

The storm hadn't subsided much and the power was still off. The candle from reception was burning quickly.

"Go to sleep, Kate." Castle said, watching her yawn.

She couldn't though; she couldn't crawl into the big comfortable bed and leave him sitting on the ground.

But then she couldn't ask him to join her either.

"I'm fine." She shrugged, pushing her chocolate over to Castle and putting the packet of cards back in the box.

There were two massive armchairs looking out to the ocean but there wasn't even a couch for him to sleep on.

"Seriously." He frowned as she yawned again.

"Where are you going to sleep?" She asked.

"I'm not tired, I've messed up my sleeping patterns because I've been writing all night. You sleep though."

She pulled the duvet from the bed and draped it over her legs. They were both leaning against the bed frame now, a foot of space between them.

"Always the stubborn one." He chuckled.

She hid her smile as she watched the battle of the weather outside.

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><p><strong>Hey everyone,<strong>

**Sorry this has taken so long to get out. I just million things on and never had the time to sit down and get this out.**

**Remember to tell me what you think.**

**Hannah**


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